I broke something recently. I’m not sure I want to put it back together.
Meaning
“There is something wrong with your theology if you can’t preach it.”
This was one of the single best pieces of advice I received in university. I was in a philosophy and religious studies program at the time. Post-modernism had stormed the young minds of the ivory tower and meaningless drivel ran rampant throughout term papers and lunch-time discussions. My professor had had enough.
One day, after a student had spouted something particularly meaningless (though it sounded impressive!), our esteemed professor declared that “There’s something wrong with your theology if you can’t preach it.” The caring warning fell on ears that could not hear its meaning, sadly. But I took it up as a personal challenge to always be clear in my meaning, to be purposeful.
It was also around this time that the same professor had us read through Walker Percy’s “The Moviegoer,” a light-hearted, existentialist novel. It is the only lighthearted existentialist novel I know of. As a nascent existentialist and cinephile, I related strongly to the story. It follows Binx Bolling on his search to discover meaning. He describes his search:
“What is the nature of the search? you ask. Really it is very simple; at least for a fellow like me. So simple that it is easily overlooked. The search is what anyone would undertake if he were not sunk in the everydayness of his own life.”
Malaise
I have been sunk in the everydayness of my own life for over a year. Subject to unexamined patterns and assumptions, my life was painfully rote. I need not have thought about anything. In reaching for my wallet in the morning, I did not need to consider it or attend to it. I could blindly reach out, acquire it from its night resting spot, and place it in pocket without thinking. Existence without participation. Malaise.
Noise
Noise is an input. It feeds into a system, but has no meaning. If you can recall the days of radio when a station was suddenly overwhelmed by static, you will understand “noise” in the sense I am using it. Information was being transmitted to the station you were listening to, but it did not have any meaning to you. It wasn’t useful to you.
Noise can also be the patterns and assumptions we make about the world: Reaching for a wallet knowing that it’s in the same place it always resides; reading from your phone as soon as you sit down on a couch or table of friends. What are the assumptions you make about the world? What has become mere reflex?
These behaviors and expectations keep us occupied and motile, but not really engaged. It’s like listening to a static-ridden radio station. You are doing something, but the activity is meaningless.
Rediscovering the Signal
Recently, I woke up and started to reach for my phone, but suddenly stopped. For months, maybe years, I had woken every morning, and grabbed my phone to read the news of the day and check social media to see what everyone else thought the news of the day ought to be. On this day, though, I had stopped my hand mid-air as it reached for the familiar spot where my smartphone rests overnight. Instead, I rolled over on my back and simply reflected on the thoughts already in mind.
I realized that I do not give myself a chance to reflect anymore. I have become very skilled at finding and imbibing quality information, but I never stop to reflect on what it means, how it should be catalogued in memory, or how it influences everything else I already know. For a moment, I was outside myself watching my decision at a fork in the road. One stretch of road continued along the empty patterns I had developed and practiced for years. The other was a route I had abandoned long ago- a route that cherished reflection, meaning, and application.
I started to reflect on who I used to be and whether that person was accessible to me now. My life is filled with patterns and assumptions for which I do not care.
As there is something wrong with a theology that cannot be easily preached, there is something wrong with a life that cannot be explained.
With that, I’m off to a matinee. It’s been a while since I’ve watched a good movie.