Category Archives: Original Work

“Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel. Every one sees what you appear to be, few really know what you are.”
~ Machiavelli, The Prince

I’ve dipped my toes into Machiavelli via Dr. Maurizio Viroli. Here is an adaptation of the proverb that inspired the above line in The Prince.

The birds chirped in their cage in the corner as the evening sun shined through the single window of this simple country cottage. They fell silent as the red clay walls reflected a dire hue over the familiar scene they knew would soon unfold. The birds huddled together in their cage, quietly awaiting the return of the farmer.

Every day, for as long as the birds could recall, the farmer would return in the evening and retrieve a single bird from the cage in the corner of the room. He would walk to the other corner of the room, perfectly lit in the red light of the setting sun, and strangle the bird to death. This evening would be no different.

The farmer returned, set his coat on the back of the one chair at this table, and walked over the cage of birds in the corner of the room. As he had done for as long as the birds could remember, he gently unlatched and opened the cage, tenderly grasped a single bird, then closed and latched the cage as gently as he had opened it. He walked to the far corner of the room, and adopted the practiced, firm stance facing the window that framed perfectly the setting sun. With his hands around the bird’s tiny neck he leaned in as his shoulders drew forward and his arms tensed.

The birds in the cage watched helplessly as they had many times before. They asked one another the same questions: “How does he choose? Is it random? Will I be next?” But on this evening, a new thought, not quite a question, arose from one of the younger birds.

“He weeps! Look at his eyes. He’s crying. The poor man.” The birds noted the tears streaming down the rough skin of the farmer’s face. They discussed the teary eyed farmer, how terrible this task must be for him, how burdened he must be. They were taken with compassion for this man who must be only a servant to some greater purpose.

A free bird had flown in to perch at the open window. “Yet look at his hands,” said the free bird. “Indeed he is crying, and appears goodly natured, but let us judge him by the work of his hands.”

I’m in a bad spot, lately. I’ve been unemployed since May with lots of promising employment prospects fizzling out unexpectedly at the last moment. Though demoralizing, this season of life is one of change. Change affords us the opportunity to step back and examine our guiding principles and common practices with earnest, fresh eyes.

One of the benefits of my abundant free time is that I have reconnected with many dear friends, and connected more deeply with others. I had not realized while working just how few meaningful interactions I had with people I love. Spending time with these people now has helped me to reconnect with myself, to cast off the sins of yesterday (though they are pesky hangers-on), and focus more on tomorrow, however dreary a prospect tomorrow happens to be.

“You are the average of the five people with whom you associate most.”

I don’t know who really said this first. The Internet tells me it was Jim Rohn. I heard it from Tim Ferriss. I doubt the number “five” is magical here, but the sentiment is powerful: You reflect what is poured into you by your community. Choose your community wisely.

Economics in Practice

I’ve decided to prioritize intentional friendship and I’m using economics to help me. I’ve set up five glass jars in my home, all in a row; one jar for each person whom I want to influence me. These are people who inspire me to be better, more disciplined, and forward looking. These are people who fill my cup and challenge me.

Each week, I place a small amount of money in each jar. The goal in setting money aside is to make spending time with each of these people more intentional, accessible, and mindful. Some of these people live quite far away. Intentionally setting this money aside helps me to plan for that travel.

I enjoy connecting over a cup of coffee, a stiff drink, or a meal. These jars are my way of prioritizing that time by budgeting for it. The money that goes into a jar is sacred. It cannot be used on anyone other than that person.

The Opportunity Cost of Friendship

I suspect that one additional benefit of this practice will make some people uncomfortable. In sanctifying this money toward the purpose of spending time with a specific individual, I have to ask whether that person is good for me. In a sense, I’m asking whether a person is worth my time and attention. This forces me to be more selective about the people with whom I spend my time, and about whom I spend time thinking.

It also forces me to be honest about who I am and who I want to become. Both of those influence who ought to be in my inner circle. Not everyone can challenge me appropriately in every setting. Not everyone is suited to filling the various cups we each carry (mental, emotional, physical, social). I know that the list will adjust over time based on who I am, and who I want to become for that season of life.

The mind is a tree in the wind.

Leaves in the breeze rustle
softly, gently.

In the torrent branches bend
creaking, fracturing.

In the quiet, in the terror
the same leaves rustling
in different realities.

The same sound
heard by all
is understood by few.

It is the sands of the hourglass
settling slowly
settling constantly
Settled.

The wind is silent.
The leaves are still.
Peace upon peace.

We are the assumptions we make about ourselves.

Narrative

Regret and the fear of regret have influenced my life and my decisions significantly for a long time.

I have struggled for most of my life with regret over my failure to act or decide in such a way that achieves the absolute optimum outcome. This has prevented me from taking future action and has fed miserable nostalgia for what might have been. This could take the form of saying the not-quite-right thing in a given moment, buyer’s remorse, or wishing I had gone out instead of staying in on a given night ten years ago. This regret recalls events from decades past to chip away at the present. The memory of things I should or should not have done visit me constantly.

Some would-be (and ill-at-practice) consolers would say “it’s all in the past.” This is true. However, to remember is to experience as a present reality. Think now of a great personal achievement, or an excellent moment from life: The first time you held your first born, a race you won, an arduous project you completed. As you revisit those moments in your mind, thinking of every detail, every movement you made, your body replays the sensorial and physiological realities attending that moment. You experience again the same affects: joy, elation, hope, accomplishment.

I won’t trouble you to consider lower moments of your life, but suffice to say that one would experience their affects as a present reality all the same.

Meaning

I’ve never been an avid gamer, but I love a well told story. I am currently playing through The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt, a heroic journey inspired by nordic folktales. The game is based on a book series by Andrzej Sapkowski and is filled with brief side-adventures which are their own self-contained storylines. Last night I encountered the particular tale of Udalryk and the Hym. (Hym rhymes with “rhyme”)

While addressing his main quest, the Witcher, Geralt, encounters the Jarl Udalryk who has been plagued by terrible nightmares which have intensified over the years. The Jarl (the Nordic “J” makes a “y” sound: “yarl”; a Jarl is akin to a Duke or Lord), covered in scars and bruises, is convinced that the gods speak to him through cryptic nightmares to demand sacrifices from him. The Jarl, once strong and proud, wimpers as he interprets the Voices as requiring him to scar himself or break his own bones. They demand self-mutilation and he complies. Rumors abound that the Jarl is touched by the gods, or perhaps just insane. From lack of restful sleep and constant physical pain, the Jarl struggles to focus, converse, or contend with current realities. His entire world is confined to interpreting and fulfilling the demands of the voices in his nightmares. Hardly an existence worth living, but so driven is he to appease the voices, the Jarl persists.

Geralt investigates the cause of these voices and eventually determines that the Jarl is possessed by a Hym, a demon which latches on to someone who has committed some atrocity. The demon feeds on the person’s guilt, following them as their shadow, and tormenting them to madness or suicide. The Hym reminded the Jarl of the death of his brother, how terrible that Udalryk did not prevent it, and that he ought to make amends by harming himself. In this way, the Hym gained greater leverage as it could now point to the scars as further reminders and evidence to the Jarl of what he had done.

There are two ways to dismiss a Hym, which lives as a shadow following the afflicted. The first is to draw the spectre out into light and combat it directly. The other is to trick the Hym into leaving the afflicted and latching onto someone else. This is accomplished by committing some atrocity in front of the Hym– the Hym will then latch on to that new person and begin to haunt them instead. However, the atrocity will have been a ruse, and not really committed, so the newly targeted person would have nothing to regret. The Hym, having no guilt on which to feed, would be forced to leave. Either option results in separation from the parasitic Hym and freedom from the eternity of a moment.

From my teenage-poet years:

The eternity of a moment passes
As I blink,
Residing still, persistent,
In the hallow of memory.

Being

The story of the Hym tells us two things about ourselves as humans.

1. We are subject to the conditions of the world around us.
2. We can influence those conditions which have been set upon us.

The Jarl was subject to a condition: the Hym. It called on him to remember darker parts of his life and experience them again as a present reality. The Jarl’s experience of reality had been constrained to include only his past error and the voices that called for sacrifice. As this was his only reality, he could not help himself. It was only in community, through Geralt and friends, that he was able to begin influencing the conditions which had been set upon him.

The world will at times set upon us conditions which we do not choose. In these times, we must hope that our communities can help to overcome and influence these conditions so that we all may thrive.